11 Jul 2004 @ 5:41 PM 

Republican positions:

# Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.
# The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.
# Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.
# “Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.
# A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.
# Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.
# The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.
# Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.
# If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.
# A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our longtime allies, then demand their cooperation and money.
# HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.
# Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.
# Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.
# Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.
# A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is a solid defense policy.
# Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.
# The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.
# You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.
# What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the 1980s is irrelevant.
# Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist; but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

Democratic positions:

# A divorced, billionaire-heiress-marrying lifetime politician and an ambulance-chasing millionaire trial lawyer are the best possible representatives for the average, working-class American.
# The United States should obey all UN decrees, except when it comes to enforcing the resolutions regarding Iraq, where we should accept an infinite number of ‘just a few more months’ extensions.
# Government should crack down on Big Businesses who spend Big Money to research cancer treatments and pain relief, and ought to hamstring those working to alleviate human suffering with even more regulation.
# Multinational corporations (with competitors who are eager to seize their market shares at their slightest stumble) cannot be trusted, but the monopolistic Federal Government always acts in the best interests of its constituents.
# Americans must show the utmost respect for hate-spewing, murder-preaching Muslim extremists, but sneering leftists are free hold up the worst examples of those who call themselves ‘Christian’ to smear anyone who believes in a Judeo-Christian God.
# If we give free condoms to children and offer no moral education, they will use them with 100% efficacy and treat sex as a serious responsibility.
# A good way to fight terrorism is to try to ‘understand’ murderous dictators and make excuses for radical terror groups that sponsor and train suicide bombers.
# HMOs and Insurance Companies are irredeemably evil organizations that should be seized by the Federal Government and nationalized, so all Americans can get the same efficiency and great service in Health Care that we currently enjoy from the DMV and IRS.
# Promising that the Federal Government will pay all the medical costs every American citizen (and illegal immigrant) incurs is a good way to keep costs low and encourage innovation (“Universal Coverage”).
# Saddam was a good guy who headed an idyllic paradise until “the Great Satan” George W Bush deposed him from Baghdad and killed his wonderful sons.
# Suggesting that there may be conflicting evidence on the topic of global warming is heresy, and anybody who disagrees is obviously a stupid, Bible-thumping redneck.
# The Federal Government exists to enforce wide-sweeping social experimentation on its citizens; anyone who expresses reservations about it are considered enemies of the state and need to be sent to Inner-City Racial Re-Education Camps.

Stolen from , who stole them from , who got them from here and Pjammer. It’s a long and illustrious chain of theft. 🙂

Posted By: Gary
Last Edit: 28 Jul 2004 @ 11:46 AM

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