07 Nov 2004 @ 8:04 AM
Although the Yahoo version of this story has been edited to remove this quote, other news sources, such as the BBC, have yet to bow to the pressure to make the U.S. military commanders look less nuts.
bq. “The enemy has got a face. He’s called Satan. He lives in Falluja. And we’re going to destroy him.” – Lt Col Gareth Brandl
Oooookay. Satan lives in Fallujah. Suppose he has a nice garden or something?
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Satan (Lucifer, Beelzebub, The Prince of Darkness,) is believed to be living in an old Airstream Trailer beside Fallujah’s only bowling alley, Ali’s Alley.
On his days off from being the undisputed ruler of the underworld Satan likes to fly kites with the local children.
He gets by working at Ali’s Alley, where he is well known as a good pin-monkey and for keeping the shoes fresh smelling.
Lt. Col Dickwad and the gormless teen-age killers in his command have all been listening to Jesus-Metal and getting their baptismal certificates up to date. Many of the marines only had time to get their anti-anthrax shots before deploying to Iraq, and have had to endure baptisms in-country where they have been hosed down with gallons of freshly driven in bottled water. Although the Euphrates river is near by the Marines say that they don’t want to touch any water that Iraqi’s drown in.
Lt. Col. Moron has plans to install his god-father Yahweh in Fallujah after he kills Satan.
Does Lt. Col Gibbering-Knob anticipate any real fight in ending the career of one of Christianty’s key players? Caught on his knees in his tent Lt. Col Cheesy-Helmet said between prayers to his 700-Club fold-out of Pat Robertson, “I expect old Nick to put up a little kick. But, God willing, we will prevail, in truth and strength, and the purity of our vital fluids.”
When contacted for comment the Mayor of Fallujah was surprised to hear that Satan was living in his town. “That’s news to me, ” he said, ducking for cover as American warplanes dropped hundreds of tons of high explosives on a childrens hospital just across the street. “For centuries Fallujah has been known as the City of Mosques… We have a mosque on every corner. I think I would have noticed if the Christian Satan had moved in to town. For one thing, he would need to have a zoning permit if he was planning on working here.”
When the facts were explained to the Mayor that Satan does not actually require a temple or church, but indeed spends most of his time underground the Mayor become most perturbed and wanted to know if Satan had any designs on Iraq’s oil wealth.
“Halliburton is enough,” he quipped, before throwing himself to the pavement as another American bomb smashed into his fast-crumbling city.
Whether Satan can survive the coming assault on Fallujah is still an unknown, but what is certain, thanks to the policies of the illiterate finger-banging coke-huffing inbred zipperhead in the White House, Fallujah shall soon be a living hell….
Satan lives in Fallujah huh? And to think, all this time, I thought he lived in LA.